Please Inform Me. 


Does that mean there’s cash and God inside? What is a Howbow? Isn’t Dah how the Scots pronounce Dad? I see this new language everywhere. Does Rosetta Stone know? When do the discs come out? Has it been named yet? Is it in Google translate? Is it indigenous to the US, or was it imported? Who first discovered it and why haven’t I seen the Natgeo special yet? Is there a conspiracy by Lucky Charms to keep the decoder ring from me? Where did that idiot redhead learn to speak it perfectly? Is my apparently defective public school system failing my child because it doesn’t teach it in class yet? Do I get passed over for job opportunities for not being fluent in this language? Is this going to replace Spanish as the official National language? Has anyone trained the phone operators in Pakistan, so I can continue speaking to people I can’t understand about my utility bills in the proper unintelligible but acceptable communication methods? I’m going to need research, therapy, grants, theories, studies, hypothesis, trials, tax payer dollars, therapy, group studies, play dates, sponsors, experts, more therapy, decisions, panels, celebrity opinions, drugs, even more therapy, Senate committees, House debates, filibusters, bills, votes, a Jerry Springer special, a blessing from the Pope, sex scandals, verification of truth from Maury, and a spot on Dr. Oz. Get on it people. Answers, I need answers. Meanwhile, I have a therapy appointment.

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